The Ron Says!
Doing what I do best...talk!
Saturday, October 15, 2016
The Funniest Prank I Have Ever Seen
Now I have seen some good pranks on people but my friend Joe played one that to me will always be in the prank Hall of Fame. I was living in Chino at the time on the same street as a mutual friend Luie. I was looking out my window and noticed 2 figures behind Luie's car as it was dark I could not recognize them. So I went outside with a bat in case they were 2 people up to no good with my friend's car. One of them looks up and says it's me Joe...so I dropped the bat and walked over and saw Joe and a friend putting a license plate frame on the back of Luie's car that simply read..."Gay Pride 89..So Many Men So Little Time". I just about busted a gut laughing my ass off...I just looked at Joe and said that's fucked up...but funny as hell dude!!! So after he finished I went back to my house and Joe and his friend left. Now Luie had a security job and I was going to college fulltime so I hardly ever saw him. So a few days went by and I saw Luie washing his car...so I went to say whats up. Im trying so hard to suppress my laughter at the plate frame which was still on the car days later. After rinsing the car Luie gets his towels and begins to dry...he gets to the rear of the car and all I hear Luie say is..."WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT???" I got up pretending to not know what he was talking about and walk to where he is and he is staring at the plates..."GAY PRIDE!! WHAT THE FUCK??" "NO WONDER PEOPLE HAVE BEEN HONKING AT ME AND FLIPPING ME OFF!!!". At this point I cant hold it in and just laugh harder that Ive ever laughed before..."MAN THIS ISNT FUNNY"!! He walks in to the garage and gets a screw driver to get the frame off. That Mr. Rinie was one of the funniest things I have ever seen my friend!! Right up there with shooting Ken in the ass with a bb gun
The 27 LB Barracuda
In 1999, my second year of working at McKinley Children's Center there was a fishing trip that we took. We loaded up 4-5 vehicles with kids and staff and headed out to Long Beach where the L.A. Rod and Reel Club was sponsoring an all day fishing excursion for foster kids and underpriviledged kids and the lucky staff who got to bring them. After loading up the boats we headed out. We were a good distance from shore as I could no longer see land...along the way we stopped to pick up some bait which was smaller fish that they had netted up for us. What made the trip great is that we got to fish as well as the kids and the Rod and Reel members were mostly helping the kids so I was able to do my thing without having to worry about the kids. As this was my first time fishing in the great Pacific I was looking forward to this. After baiting my hook and dropping my line I waited a few minutes...after a few minutes I caught a pretty good sized Sand Bass...it put up a decent fight...but I was able to reel him in. The kid next to me Albert was getting kind of frustrated because everybody around him including me had caught something. So I set my pole down and decided to help him out. So I told him that he hadnt released his line as far as it could go. So I recast his line and let it sink as far as it could go. As it was going I was explaining to him to be patient and he would catch something...just then I felt a very strong tug that just about pulled the pole from my arm. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT" I thought "What the fuck was that??"...the guy next to me exclaimed..."You got a big one"!!! "I thought no shit Sherlock what was your first clue? My arm pulling from its socket??" So he was telling me how to reel him in. But as he was telling me the fish started putting up a good fight....he was on the line and then wrapped himself to the back of the boat and in the process took some of the other fishing lines that were cast with him. Everybody was watching in amazement and waiting to see if I could catch him. I turned the reel and pulled....repeated the action....the guy was cheering me on and Albert was watching wide eyed and amazed. After about 10 minutes of this I was getting tired...and this whatever it was....wa sputting up a hell of a fight...all of a sudden we saw it jump from the water and back in...."Holy God!!! What the fuck was that I thought?" The rod and reel guy said thats a bigbarracuda!!...he runs and grabs a net and tells me to keep doing what Im doing. When the fish gets close enough he reaches out and gets it into the net. About 15-20 minutes after the struggle began....I caught the bastard. Man it was ugly....with razor sharp needle like teeth. As Im breathing hard, my arms are sore and Im ready to go sit down I hear Albert yell...I got one I got one....referring to fish I had just fought with. I just looked at him and thought...."I did all the work you little bastard". You want to see what the fish looks like goto my photo album I have a pic of it there. |
4th of July with all of its explosiveness and temptaions is filled with memories for me...let me share a few of them.
Some of you who remember an earlier blog about how we accidently shot our neighbor in the ass with a bb gun...will feel even more sorry for him after this story. I was about 16 when this takes place. My friend Luie (The one who shot Ken in the ass) had some how procured a very large number of bottle rockets prior to the 4th of July...so many that if he tried lighting them one by one by himself he wouldve been at it for awhile. So in his benevolence and probably a bad idea...he decided to share with the rest of us...the rest of us being my friends Joe Rinie, Luies brother Anthony and I cant remember who else. We all made these bazooka looking things out of plastic pipes and all sat down along the street to light the bottle rockets....oh did I mention that my street was hosting its annual 4th of July Block Party and everybody was sitting along the street watching people light the "Safe and Sane" Fireworks. We were what we thought...out of the way lighting our bottle rockets one after another. I mustve lit about 20 of them as they shot one after another into the air...but I lit one and all of a sudden it shot up...went side ways and landed in a certain neighbors lap."GOD DAMNIT YOU GUYS!!" he yelled....I had the look of oh shit on my face. Ken jumped up and stamped out everything before it could do any damage...but his nerves and his temper were shot...he comes stomping down the street to where we were and yells..."You kids need to stop lighting those bottle rockets before somebody gets hurt!!"
II. Before I moved to Chino I lived in Cerritos and before that In Artesia. I was 12 when this story takes place. While in Artesia there was this kid that lived on my street that everybody and anybody hated. I had only lived on the block a few months when this skinny kid with a bowl cut comes down to where I was living...I was out in my garage throwing darts..when this kid goes walking by...looks my way and just flips me the middle finger...Im like who the hell is this kid? I had recently become friends with my neighbors Shan, Derrick and Vel...the explained to me that the skinny kid was Michale Fayerweather and he had been kicked out of every school in the district because people keep kicking his butt. From my initial encounter I could see why.
Well fast forward through numerous confrontations, me pummeling this kid on a couple of occasions, me watching a mob of kids who I told where Michale lived try and get Michael out of his house...fast forward to the 4th of July. My friend Jae who looked older had bought us some smoke bombs...we were infront mf my house lighting them when I look up and see Michael peek up from his wall and say "Jae is a fucking gook and Ron is a fag!!!" He then starts throwing oranges in our direction....we take cover in my garage and wait..he finally stops and we dont here anything. I look at Jae and say..give me a bomb..he hands me a smoke bomb and we walk to Michaels house...Jae and I decide to light 3 smoke bombs and drop them in the mail slot that is attached to Michael's front door...we drop them and run top speed back to my garage and sit on the couch and act like we are innocent...of course down the street theres a house with blue, red and white colored smoke coming out of windows and doors...Michael and his sister Tracy come out front coughing and looking our way...little did we know that they callled the police.
The LA County Sheriff pulls up and talks to Michael and he points our way...the sheriff walks over to us and asks if we had thrown any smoke bombs in Michaels house...we fessed up and pointed at the oranges that Michael had thrown at us...the sheriff said we overreacted and asked to speak to our parents..he talks to my mom and Jae's folks and after a while he finally leaves. Our folks chastised us...but they knew Michael's M.O. and laughed it off.
II. Before I moved to Chino I lived in Cerritos and before that In Artesia. I was 12 when this story takes place. While in Artesia there was this kid that lived on my street that everybody and anybody hated. I had only lived on the block a few months when this skinny kid with a bowl cut comes down to where I was living...I was out in my garage throwing darts..when this kid goes walking by...looks my way and just flips me the middle finger...Im like who the hell is this kid? I had recently become friends with my neighbors Shan, Derrick and Vel...the explained to me that the skinny kid was Michale Fayerweather and he had been kicked out of every school in the district because people keep kicking his butt. From my initial encounter I could see why.
Well fast forward through numerous confrontations, me pummeling this kid on a couple of occasions, me watching a mob of kids who I told where Michale lived try and get Michael out of his house...fast forward to the 4th of July. My friend Jae who looked older had bought us some smoke bombs...we were infront mf my house lighting them when I look up and see Michael peek up from his wall and say "Jae is a fucking gook and Ron is a fag!!!" He then starts throwing oranges in our direction....we take cover in my garage and wait..he finally stops and we dont here anything. I look at Jae and say..give me a bomb..he hands me a smoke bomb and we walk to Michaels house...Jae and I decide to light 3 smoke bombs and drop them in the mail slot that is attached to Michael's front door...we drop them and run top speed back to my garage and sit on the couch and act like we are innocent...of course down the street theres a house with blue, red and white colored smoke coming out of windows and doors...Michael and his sister Tracy come out front coughing and looking our way...little did we know that they callled the police.
The LA County Sheriff pulls up and talks to Michael and he points our way...the sheriff walks over to us and asks if we had thrown any smoke bombs in Michaels house...we fessed up and pointed at the oranges that Michael had thrown at us...the sheriff said we overreacted and asked to speak to our parents..he talks to my mom and Jae's folks and after a while he finally leaves. Our folks chastised us...but they knew Michael's M.O. and laughed it off.
Shaun's Playboys
My buddy Shaun had some Playboys that he used to store in a bag in his closet. For whatever reason and I cant remember why...his Step Mom happened upon his Playboy collection and confronted Shaun with them. She asked where did you get these? Shaun thought of the first answer he could come up with..."Joe's he said"....they are Joe's Playboys...referring to my buddy Joe Ortiz. Now Joe picked this time of all times to come visit Shaun and see if he wanted to go do something. Joe nonchalantly knocks on the door and Shaun's step mom opens the door and hands the box of Playboys to Joe and says here Joe...take your damn Playboys with you!!! and then slams the door. Joe opens the box and sure enough it is full of Playboys...not knowing what to do he heads to my house with the box...rings my doorbell and I answer the door. Joe is standing there with this box and says..."Shaun's Step Mom just gave me these Playboys!!"...I got wide eyed and said why did she do that?? beats the shit out of me says Joe!...we head up stairs and begin to um...read the magazines when my phone rings....it's Shaun on the other line telling us he wants his magazines back...I relay the message to Joe and we laugh and tell Shaun...sorry dude your Step mom gave them to us.
Random Thoughts 6/8/2008
These are just some random thoughts that I have been having lately and thought I should post them here and see if anybody agrees.
1. Did you know that people actually get mad when a store asks to see an ID when they use a credit card! I've had a few retail and food workers tell me that. Im astonished...would these idiots rather somebody steal their credit card and use it without anybody checking IDs!! If your somebody who gets mad at somebody when they ask to see your ID when you use a credit card...I really hope you become a victim of id theft!!
2. People are blaming AM PM clerks for high gas prices!! I actually saw some moron cussing out some poor lady who was working at an AM Pm because he is angry about gas prices. I asked the guy if he thinks the lady gets free gas...he just looked at me and walked out. WHO HONESTLY THINKS ITS THE AM PM CLERRKS FAULTS FOR THE HIGH GAS PRICES???!!!!
3. Panhandlers- It seems I can't go anywhere without somebody begging for money nowadays!!! Its always black or white people....I never see a person of hispanic descent begging for money. Everybody gets on Mexicans for taking jobs....well guess what?? At least they freakin work!!!
4. George Bush supporters...Bush has a 25% approval rating...meaning 25% of Americans think he is doing a good job. In other words...25% of our country are retards!!
5. Bible thumpers- Here in California Gay Marriage just got approved by our Courts. The Bible thumpers are all up in arms and promissing a fight come November when we the voters actually get our say on the issue. The say they will fight the Proposition tooth and nail!! You know what? get this...after gay marriage got approved...it had no effect on my life...you know why?? IM NOT GAY!!! I dont give a rat's ass if 2 guys or women want to get married....if it makes people happy more power to them. If the bible thumpers want to really make a difference why dont they fight gang violence? drug abuse? domestic violence?
1. Did you know that people actually get mad when a store asks to see an ID when they use a credit card! I've had a few retail and food workers tell me that. Im astonished...would these idiots rather somebody steal their credit card and use it without anybody checking IDs!! If your somebody who gets mad at somebody when they ask to see your ID when you use a credit card...I really hope you become a victim of id theft!!
2. People are blaming AM PM clerks for high gas prices!! I actually saw some moron cussing out some poor lady who was working at an AM Pm because he is angry about gas prices. I asked the guy if he thinks the lady gets free gas...he just looked at me and walked out. WHO HONESTLY THINKS ITS THE AM PM CLERRKS FAULTS FOR THE HIGH GAS PRICES???!!!!
3. Panhandlers- It seems I can't go anywhere without somebody begging for money nowadays!!! Its always black or white people....I never see a person of hispanic descent begging for money. Everybody gets on Mexicans for taking jobs....well guess what?? At least they freakin work!!!
4. George Bush supporters...Bush has a 25% approval rating...meaning 25% of Americans think he is doing a good job. In other words...25% of our country are retards!!
5. Bible thumpers- Here in California Gay Marriage just got approved by our Courts. The Bible thumpers are all up in arms and promissing a fight come November when we the voters actually get our say on the issue. The say they will fight the Proposition tooth and nail!! You know what? get this...after gay marriage got approved...it had no effect on my life...you know why?? IM NOT GAY!!! I dont give a rat's ass if 2 guys or women want to get married....if it makes people happy more power to them. If the bible thumpers want to really make a difference why dont they fight gang violence? drug abuse? domestic violence?
Drill Sergeant is Coming....Drill Sergeant is Coming!!
It was another lazy Saturday while I was still a holdover in AIT in Fort Lee,VA. All of the chores had been completed and people were just chilling. Shining boots, playing pool, watching TV, reading books...or whatever else people did to unwind. Since it was the weekend before payday a lot of us decided to stay in the barracks rather than do anything since mostly everybody was broke. I had a few extra bucks and decided I was going to the PX for some pizza. As I got downstairs I overheard the CQ on duty talking on the phone and I figured he was talking to the Head Drill Sergeant...Drill Sergeant Williams. I figured out that Williams was coming and that he was looking for "volunteers' for a work detail. I thought to myself...I'm safe since Im on my way out anyways...should I warn the others?
My good conscince won out...so I ran upstairs as fast as I could and went all over the place...I looked a lot like Paul Revere warning about the red coats. I opened the first day room and peaked my head in and exclaimed.."Drill Sergeant is coming and he's looking for a detail!!!". I had never seen so many people move so fast..I ran to the other day room and warned them as well. You would've thought I said we were under attack, people were moving so fast. I peaked my head into the female hallway and yelled.."Drill sergeant is coming and he''s looking for a detail"!! I saw a girl run out of the restroom in a towel and into her bay. By the time I went through the whole building it had pretty much emptied out. I peaked out the window and saw him walking into the front. I ran down the stairs and out the back door.
The only people he found were 2 poor saps who were out running. I found out later that they had to mow a large field with a mower...ha ha!!
What Happens in Vegas....Can Only Happen in Vegas
About 6 years ago my friends Sheila and Dave decided to get married in Las Vegas. The stayed at the Flamingo and I stayed next door at the Imperial Palace. It was them, 2 of Daves friends, his brother, his mom and Sheilas parents and her daughter Cameron. We all stayed in different places around Vegas. Well the night after they got married they had said that we are all going to party at Coyote Ugly while the older folks watched Sheila's daughter. But as the night went on...Sheila and Dave were too burnt out from the day's events and decided to stay in for the night....so I was basically on my own.
So I put on some sharp clothes and headed down to the bar adjacent to Imperial Palace. I mosied up to the bar and ordered a beer and just started chatting with the bartender and the bar back...they were cool as hell and we just started bullshitting about all different kinds of things. Now the only other people in the club at the time were a group of 4-5 early-mid 20s females who were having a good time. All of whom were very nice looking.
After awhile two of them walk up to the bar and join in with our conversation and we all are having a good old time. Turns out that they are all from San Diego and the one who is talking to me owns a bikini store in Carlsbad...Im thinking oh wow!! The girls ask the bartender to surprise them with a drink....so the bartender gets a gleam in his eyes and mixes up some white creamy concoction...If I remember it had some Kahlua and some other things...so the girl goes to drink it...and the taste catches her so off guard that when she spits it up...its coming out of her nose and mouth....so heres this gorgeous young lady with a white creamy liquid coming from her nose and mouth...and I was laughing my ass off. After cleaning herself up she asks myself and the barback which strip clubs are the best. We both say Olympic Gardens because it has 2 floors one with male strippers and the other for female strippers. The girls look at us and say...we arent here to see men strip. I look at the barback and he looks at me and we just think..."Oh man". The girls ask the bar back what time he was getting off and the bartender looks up and says..."NOW!!"...He's off now!! The bartender reaches into his tip jar and hands money to the barback and says...take them to the Gardens and take this guy with you (Pointing at me).
So we all leave the bar...myself, the bar back and the girls all in tow. Of course they are all drunk as hell...but of course myself and my new friend are enjoying every minute of this.
We hail a mini van cab and head to Olympic Gardens. We walk in and head to a corner booth. Some of the older guys in there look at my friend and I with some "You lucky bastards eyes"...So there I am...average Ron...and some guy I never met before...surrounded by 4-5 20 something lovelies...female strippers all around...I thought I died and was in a hip hop video all of a sudden!!!
the girl who owned the bikin store ordered us drinks and looked at me and asked if I wanted a lap dance? My eyes opened wide...and said...oh hells yes. So she says...which girl do you want? of course me being the charmer...I said..umm..."you". She looks at me and comments that I'm sweet...and I giggle like a school boy....but she says no seriously...which one do you want? I point to one that looked latina. My friend waved her over and if you have never been to a strip club...strippers are drawn to large groups especially if there are pretty women in the group. So the stripper does her thing...and my friend is watching and drinking...the barback is having fun with one of the other girls we came with...and the rest are at the bar ordering drinks.
After a while we leave and hail cabs and head back to the hotel......The End??
Yeah like I would tell you the rest!!!!
So I put on some sharp clothes and headed down to the bar adjacent to Imperial Palace. I mosied up to the bar and ordered a beer and just started chatting with the bartender and the bar back...they were cool as hell and we just started bullshitting about all different kinds of things. Now the only other people in the club at the time were a group of 4-5 early-mid 20s females who were having a good time. All of whom were very nice looking.
After awhile two of them walk up to the bar and join in with our conversation and we all are having a good old time. Turns out that they are all from San Diego and the one who is talking to me owns a bikini store in Carlsbad...Im thinking oh wow!! The girls ask the bartender to surprise them with a drink....so the bartender gets a gleam in his eyes and mixes up some white creamy concoction...If I remember it had some Kahlua and some other things...so the girl goes to drink it...and the taste catches her so off guard that when she spits it up...its coming out of her nose and mouth....so heres this gorgeous young lady with a white creamy liquid coming from her nose and mouth...and I was laughing my ass off. After cleaning herself up she asks myself and the barback which strip clubs are the best. We both say Olympic Gardens because it has 2 floors one with male strippers and the other for female strippers. The girls look at us and say...we arent here to see men strip. I look at the barback and he looks at me and we just think..."Oh man". The girls ask the bar back what time he was getting off and the bartender looks up and says..."NOW!!"...He's off now!! The bartender reaches into his tip jar and hands money to the barback and says...take them to the Gardens and take this guy with you (Pointing at me).
So we all leave the bar...myself, the bar back and the girls all in tow. Of course they are all drunk as hell...but of course myself and my new friend are enjoying every minute of this.
We hail a mini van cab and head to Olympic Gardens. We walk in and head to a corner booth. Some of the older guys in there look at my friend and I with some "You lucky bastards eyes"...So there I am...average Ron...and some guy I never met before...surrounded by 4-5 20 something lovelies...female strippers all around...I thought I died and was in a hip hop video all of a sudden!!!
the girl who owned the bikin store ordered us drinks and looked at me and asked if I wanted a lap dance? My eyes opened wide...and said...oh hells yes. So she says...which girl do you want? of course me being the charmer...I said..umm..."you". She looks at me and comments that I'm sweet...and I giggle like a school boy....but she says no seriously...which one do you want? I point to one that looked latina. My friend waved her over and if you have never been to a strip club...strippers are drawn to large groups especially if there are pretty women in the group. So the stripper does her thing...and my friend is watching and drinking...the barback is having fun with one of the other girls we came with...and the rest are at the bar ordering drinks.
After a while we leave and hail cabs and head back to the hotel......The End??
Yeah like I would tell you the rest!!!!
One Counterclocker Goes Boom
Reception at AIT was not nearly as hectic as reception was in Basic Training. In AIT there are still Drill Sergeants but they aren’t as in your face as they ones in Basic..but they still retain the eagerness to embarass a Private when given an oppurtunity....and Lord did I provide them with such an oppurtunity.
Now one of the basic rules at AIT in Fort Lee, VA is that you are not allowed to listen to walkmans or any headphones while outside. This could keep you from hearing any marching platoons...when a platoon is marching you must stand at ease as they walk by....if not it is a sign of disrespect and the DS of that platoon can get in your face. I was unaware of the no walkmans outside rule..
After 8 weeks of basic and no music I was happy as hell to have my walkman back and I had bought some tapes at the PX. On this particular day I was listening to ACDC Live....one of the greatest ever baby. Just as I stepped outside I felt a tap on my shoulder...I turn around and there is a Drill Sergeant...I took off my head phones and snapped.."Yes Drill sergeant". The DS informed me of the no walkmans outside rule and proceeded to confiscate it and told me I could have it back before I went to my AIT Training Company.
2 days went by and it was our last day in reception before going to our training units. So I approached the drill sergeant and enquired about my walkman. He informed me that in order to get it back...I would have to yelll at the top of my lungs..1 Counter clocker goes boom...drop and do a push up....get back up then say 2 counter clockers go boom boom...then drop and do 2 push ups...so on and so forth. Of course the entire building was empteed out and waiting to goto their respective areas...well over 100 soldiers...males and females. Needless to say after the first counterclocker...everybody was looking at my situation and I can hear lots of laughing. After about 20 counter clockers (I have no idea what the fuck a counter clocker is) the Drill Sergeant finally gave my radio and told me I was the only one who got his radio confiscated who actually asked for it back....everybody else was too scared or nervous. So I joined my platoon..and they were all laughing their asses off. Plantamura asked what a counter clocker was...I said I had no fucking idea...and Phelps said well we all know it goes boom!!!
AIT
AIT
AIT is Adavanced Individualized Training...basically it’s where you learn your job. The Army can send you to any number of places based on your MOS. I had the fortunate oppurtunity to goto Fort Lee, Virginia just outside of Richmond. Fort Lee or Fort Leisure as it’s referred to by those of us who were there and by the jealous recruits who had to do AIT in places like Fort Leavenworth or Fort Sill, OK.
I met a lot of people there who without whom I probably wouldn’t have become the man I became. During my time in the regular time and my time as a holdover (Which I will talk about later). This blog will be an introductory blog to the cast of characters I will touch on in future blogs.
PVT Jackson- From Harlem, NY He worked at McDonalds before he enlisted. He had a tendency to attract women with a lot of drama and issues. Jackson was a great guy, but tended to be somewhat gullible sometimes. Jackson kinda looks like Chris Rock but skinnier and with acne.
PFC Brooks- Our beloved Platoon Leader....NOT!! This guy was our platoon leader..but respect he did not have. I think he had good intentions and personally I didnt have any problems with the guy...but he was very indecisive.
PFC Charlie Plantamura- Brooklyn, New York He is the quintessetial Brooklynite....Italian, tall, loud and proud...he was funny as hell. He could drink and drink and drink.
PVT. Witherington- From Grady, Alabama- Population 2000...A true Southern boy...had his definite opinions on race relations..liked to line dance and enjoyed chewing tobacco.
Pvt Luckadoo-(From the South...I forget where)....We called Luckadoo..."Buddy Fucker". We were all pretty loyal to one another and watched each other’s back...but this guy you had to watch at first. After awhile he became one of us.
Pvt Welsh- From Oklahoma, This guy had no standards when it came to women..(Of course my standards lowered while in AIT)...but Welsh couldnt say no to anybody. It wound up getting him into trouble later on.
Pfc. Sanchez-He was a quiet guy and mostly kept to himself...but he was very reliable and hard working
The guys above were apart of my regular class...the following were some of my fellow holdovers. I was a holdover because due to a stress fracture I suffered in Basic...I was having a hard time passing the 2 mile run in the PT Test.
Pfc. Bell- Kansas City, Missouri...This guy was tall and big...he was a total Charles Barkley lookalike. At first I was a bit intimidated by him, but once he saw that he could trust me...he became a decent friend.
Pvt. Nyghen- A fellow Southern Californian...from up near Six Flags...he and I became drinking buddies....we would get shit faced.
Pfc Delaunne- (New Orleans,LA) Was a hold over waiting for orders to goto Panama....he was waiting for awhile.
Pfc. Smith- A tall white dude...the girl I was messing with hooked up with him.
Now that the intros have been made....the stories will begin...
AIT is Adavanced Individualized Training...basically it’s where you learn your job. The Army can send you to any number of places based on your MOS. I had the fortunate oppurtunity to goto Fort Lee, Virginia just outside of Richmond. Fort Lee or Fort Leisure as it’s referred to by those of us who were there and by the jealous recruits who had to do AIT in places like Fort Leavenworth or Fort Sill, OK.
I met a lot of people there who without whom I probably wouldn’t have become the man I became. During my time in the regular time and my time as a holdover (Which I will talk about later). This blog will be an introductory blog to the cast of characters I will touch on in future blogs.
PVT Jackson- From Harlem, NY He worked at McDonalds before he enlisted. He had a tendency to attract women with a lot of drama and issues. Jackson was a great guy, but tended to be somewhat gullible sometimes. Jackson kinda looks like Chris Rock but skinnier and with acne.
PFC Brooks- Our beloved Platoon Leader....NOT!! This guy was our platoon leader..but respect he did not have. I think he had good intentions and personally I didnt have any problems with the guy...but he was very indecisive.
PFC Charlie Plantamura- Brooklyn, New York He is the quintessetial Brooklynite....Italian, tall, loud and proud...he was funny as hell. He could drink and drink and drink.
PVT. Witherington- From Grady, Alabama- Population 2000...A true Southern boy...had his definite opinions on race relations..liked to line dance and enjoyed chewing tobacco.
Pvt Luckadoo-(From the South...I forget where)....We called Luckadoo..."Buddy Fucker". We were all pretty loyal to one another and watched each other’s back...but this guy you had to watch at first. After awhile he became one of us.
Pvt Welsh- From Oklahoma, This guy had no standards when it came to women..(Of course my standards lowered while in AIT)...but Welsh couldnt say no to anybody. It wound up getting him into trouble later on.
Pfc. Sanchez-He was a quiet guy and mostly kept to himself...but he was very reliable and hard working
The guys above were apart of my regular class...the following were some of my fellow holdovers. I was a holdover because due to a stress fracture I suffered in Basic...I was having a hard time passing the 2 mile run in the PT Test.
Pfc. Bell- Kansas City, Missouri...This guy was tall and big...he was a total Charles Barkley lookalike. At first I was a bit intimidated by him, but once he saw that he could trust me...he became a decent friend.
Pvt. Nyghen- A fellow Southern Californian...from up near Six Flags...he and I became drinking buddies....we would get shit faced.
Pfc Delaunne- (New Orleans,LA) Was a hold over waiting for orders to goto Panama....he was waiting for awhile.
Pfc. Smith- A tall white dude...the girl I was messing with hooked up with him.
Now that the intros have been made....the stories will begin...
I Shot My Neighbor
My buddies Luie, Joe Rinie and myself were shooting a BB Gun in Luie’s backyard. I was 16 or so at the time and they were roughly the same age. We were taking turns shooting cans off of Luie’s fence....not knowing Luie’s neighbor Ken was working in his garden next door.
It was my turn to shoot when I said hey this is how gangs shoot....I aimed it sideways and shot it...the BB missed the cans and all of a sudden we hear from the backyard next door...."OWW...LUIE GOD DAMN IT!!!". We shot Ken in the ass evidently. We all ran inside Luie’s house and hid out in the living room like nothing happened....we hear a loud banging on Luie’s door....Luie goes to open it.
Ken- God damn it Luie you shot me in the ass with a BB gun!!!!
I came over and accepted responsibility....but ken was pissed...and later told Luie’s dad and my Step Dad about what happened....Luie had his BB gun taken away and I was told I couldnt shoot bb guns anymore with Luie....but that was some funny ass stuff though!!
It was my turn to shoot when I said hey this is how gangs shoot....I aimed it sideways and shot it...the BB missed the cans and all of a sudden we hear from the backyard next door...."OWW...LUIE GOD DAMN IT!!!". We shot Ken in the ass evidently. We all ran inside Luie’s house and hid out in the living room like nothing happened....we hear a loud banging on Luie’s door....Luie goes to open it.
Ken- God damn it Luie you shot me in the ass with a BB gun!!!!
I came over and accepted responsibility....but ken was pissed...and later told Luie’s dad and my Step Dad about what happened....Luie had his BB gun taken away and I was told I couldnt shoot bb guns anymore with Luie....but that was some funny ass stuff though!!
Peter Gets Maced
Peter Gets Maced
For this story to truly have it's intended affect I need to describe my old friend Peter Ponce. I met Peter through Joe, they and Jerry and our other buddy all worked together at Montgomery Wards Distribution Center in Chino. Peter was about 5 ft 9inches and slightly overweight due to his uh heavy drinking. Peter was a DRINKER!! He would get fucked up and do some really stupid shit sometimes....one time in particular stands out.
Joe, myself, Ricky and Peter had all just left Club Metro (A Happening night spot back in the day.) Peter was shit faced...but he was still aware enough to recognize a hot chick if he saw one. Walking to the car he notices a car with 2 very nice looking latinas all dolled up and looking very nice. Peter looks at us and says those bitches look hot!! Im thinking oh no...he walks over to the car and introduces himself...but he is obviously really fucked up. The ladies are obviously not interested...so Peter walks, but without warning whips his shit out and starts pissing on the girls tire...Ricky, Joe and I are like .."oh no"...The driver looks back and calls Peter over...Peter barely gets his shit back in his pants as he walks to the window...the girl beckons Peter to bend down...Peter peers in and all of a sudden the girl sprays Peter with pepper spray right in the eyes....
Peter begins to flail as the car speeds away..."Bitch...The Bitch Fucken Maced Me"!!! Of course the 3 of us being the friends that we are...begin to laugh our asses off. "DICKS THIS SHIT ISNT FUNNY....I CANT SEE A FUCKEN THING!!!!" We get Peter by the arms and help him into the car...luckly Ricky had a half of bottled water left and began pouring it in Peter's eyes to try and flush the peper spray out...>Peter is all but clawing his eyes out and Joe and I are in tears laughing our asses off....needless to say Peter sobered up in a hurry from the excruciating pain of the pepper spray.
We had to stop at Circle K and we helped him into the restroom...the clerk asked what happened as there are 2 guys leading a crying guy who is screaming and cussing into the restroom at Circle K. Peter yells out..."SOME BITCH MACED ME!!!". We get him to the sink and start flushing his eyes out with more water...the whole time we are laughing and he is cussing a storm...finally we get most of the spray out but his eyes were bloodshot from all the rubbing and burning.
For this story to truly have it's intended affect I need to describe my old friend Peter Ponce. I met Peter through Joe, they and Jerry and our other buddy all worked together at Montgomery Wards Distribution Center in Chino. Peter was about 5 ft 9inches and slightly overweight due to his uh heavy drinking. Peter was a DRINKER!! He would get fucked up and do some really stupid shit sometimes....one time in particular stands out.
Joe, myself, Ricky and Peter had all just left Club Metro (A Happening night spot back in the day.) Peter was shit faced...but he was still aware enough to recognize a hot chick if he saw one. Walking to the car he notices a car with 2 very nice looking latinas all dolled up and looking very nice. Peter looks at us and says those bitches look hot!! Im thinking oh no...he walks over to the car and introduces himself...but he is obviously really fucked up. The ladies are obviously not interested...so Peter walks, but without warning whips his shit out and starts pissing on the girls tire...Ricky, Joe and I are like .."oh no"...The driver looks back and calls Peter over...Peter barely gets his shit back in his pants as he walks to the window...the girl beckons Peter to bend down...Peter peers in and all of a sudden the girl sprays Peter with pepper spray right in the eyes....
Peter begins to flail as the car speeds away..."Bitch...The Bitch Fucken Maced Me"!!! Of course the 3 of us being the friends that we are...begin to laugh our asses off. "DICKS THIS SHIT ISNT FUNNY....I CANT SEE A FUCKEN THING!!!!" We get Peter by the arms and help him into the car...luckly Ricky had a half of bottled water left and began pouring it in Peter's eyes to try and flush the peper spray out...>Peter is all but clawing his eyes out and Joe and I are in tears laughing our asses off....needless to say Peter sobered up in a hurry from the excruciating pain of the pepper spray.
We had to stop at Circle K and we helped him into the restroom...the clerk asked what happened as there are 2 guys leading a crying guy who is screaming and cussing into the restroom at Circle K. Peter yells out..."SOME BITCH MACED ME!!!". We get him to the sink and start flushing his eyes out with more water...the whole time we are laughing and he is cussing a storm...finally we get most of the spray out but his eyes were bloodshot from all the rubbing and burning.
So I Live In the Past Part 10
Cruising Magnolia
Well guess what since my vocal cords are fucked up and can barely talk right now...I'm home and have decided to write yet another blog today...
The City of Riverside is about 54 miles east of Los Angeles...and back in the day oh about 1992 it was a great spot to cruise...Magnolia Ave to be exact. People brought out there cars and would bump their tunes and cruise up and down the road...nowdays I don't get the point of cruising...but back then it was a great way to meet hot women. We would cruise and then park in a Taco Bell parking lot and just chill. One night that chilling almost got us hurt.
Joe, Peter, Ricky and myself were sitting outside Taco Bell just munching down on some good ole 59 cent tacos and 79 cent burritos. We look up and out of the corner of our eyes we see a guy with a bat go after another car and try hitting the window with the bat...the car peels out and begins to take off...we are thinking holdy shit what the hell is going on??
All of a sudden we hear what sounds like firecrackers...and all we hear is "he's got a gun"!!! The four of us jump out of our seats and jump into Joe's car....Joe who normally slowly backs up starts and peels out...we are basically jumping into the car...out of the corner of my eye I see somebody with a 22. Calibur running down the street shooting at the car that was being hit with a bat...we took off like a bat out of hell. People were running everywhere...this guy with the gun jumps into a car and takes off.
We go the opposite direction. Turns out we each wound up with what we were eating on our clothes. I had sour cream all over my shirt...lol Thats how crazy we ran
Well guess what since my vocal cords are fucked up and can barely talk right now...I'm home and have decided to write yet another blog today...
The City of Riverside is about 54 miles east of Los Angeles...and back in the day oh about 1992 it was a great spot to cruise...Magnolia Ave to be exact. People brought out there cars and would bump their tunes and cruise up and down the road...nowdays I don't get the point of cruising...but back then it was a great way to meet hot women. We would cruise and then park in a Taco Bell parking lot and just chill. One night that chilling almost got us hurt.
Joe, Peter, Ricky and myself were sitting outside Taco Bell just munching down on some good ole 59 cent tacos and 79 cent burritos. We look up and out of the corner of our eyes we see a guy with a bat go after another car and try hitting the window with the bat...the car peels out and begins to take off...we are thinking holdy shit what the hell is going on??
All of a sudden we hear what sounds like firecrackers...and all we hear is "he's got a gun"!!! The four of us jump out of our seats and jump into Joe's car....Joe who normally slowly backs up starts and peels out...we are basically jumping into the car...out of the corner of my eye I see somebody with a 22. Calibur running down the street shooting at the car that was being hit with a bat...we took off like a bat out of hell. People were running everywhere...this guy with the gun jumps into a car and takes off.
We go the opposite direction. Turns out we each wound up with what we were eating on our clothes. I had sour cream all over my shirt...lol Thats how crazy we ran
So I Live in the Past Part 9
| Basic Training: Easter As some of you may already know I served our country in the US Army Reserves and yes there are some classic Basic Training stories. Here's one...It's Easter Sunday and the Drill Sergeants announce that the Morale and Welfare people of Fort Jackson are putting on a concert for the recruits of our Batallion and we are all going. They also tell us that there will be candy and soda there and that we are not to think about partaking in those treats. So we march in formation to a football field that is on post and there is a stage set up and a band is up there playing cover tunes and there are many female recruits. the Drill Sergeants give us final instructions and we finally break formation and enter the festivities. Not having seen any females for about 5 weeks now...I'd say my standards may have lowered a bit. So I find what I describe as an "Army Cute" girl and ask her to dance as there are many male soldiers and female soldiers dancing. "Army Cute" means that she is pretty in comparison to what else is there. We dance to some Earth Wind and Fire, Commodores and other dance tunes. I look over and see many of my friends sitting on bleachers with dear in headlight looks on there faces. Many of them are from parts of the country where maybe they dont get out too much. Shining Star comes on and Im thinking this girl wont want to dance to a slow song...so I turn to walk away and she just grabs me and gets real close....Im thinking this is cool. So we bump and grind for awhile and that was the last song of the day...the whole concert lasted for maybe an hour and a half. We all get back into formation just outside the gates and the Drill sergeants march us back to the barracks. We are standing in front of the barracks in formation when the sergeants tell us to get in inspection formation and to take out or cantines. Inspection formation is where they have room to walk by and inspect each recruit. As they walk by they tell each recruit to dump the contents of the cantine....water....water....water...I dump mine I had water. They get tto the last row and I'l never forget the words I heard next.... Drill Sergeant: "WHAT THE HELL JUST CAME OUT OF YOUR CANTINE"? Pvt. Eschelman- (Sheepishly) Soda Drill Sergeant!! I cringed because I knew we would all play for his mistake. Then we were told to turn our pockets inside out....and out of Eschelman's pocket came Snickers and some other chocolate bars. As well as from the guy next to him. The Drill Sergeants just walk back to the front and yell out calmly..."HALF RIGHT FACE!!"...."FRONT LEANING REST POSITION" move....thats the position to get into for push ups...they have us do several push ups and then get on our backs and have us do flutter kicks....flip back over...push ups....back to the other side flutter kicks. Needless to say the rest of us aren't very happy. After what seemed like an eternity...the drill sergeants finally order us to get up and get back into formation....by this time we are sore as hell and a little pissed. We all get inside and the four squad leaders along with the platoon leader ask Eschelman what he was thinking....he just said he was hungry and he wanted soda. We all decided on an appropriate punishment....he would have to do every one of our work details for the rest of the day. He wound up doing the work of 29 other guys...while we all relaxed. |
The Megaphone
For my 17th birthday my mom takes me shopping and I tell her to take me to Radio Shack. We get to Radio Shack and I go straight for what I had been wanting for weeks...a megaphone that plays several different songs on it. College Fight songs, the charge like they play at baseball games and other old time favorites.
I get home with it and the first thing I do is go around the corner to my friend Shaun's house. I get to where his window is and I clock the trigger and say..."YOU IN THE HOUSE COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP?"...Shaun's head darts up into his bedroom window and I speak into the megaphone..."HEY LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR MY BIRTHDAY"!!!...Shaun just shakes his head and Im sure is thinking Oh no. So he says come on up...I go into the house and his brother Jaime is sitting in the living room calmly watching TV as I come up behind him and talk into the megaphone..."WHATS UP JAIME??"....I swear he just about pissed his pants. Shaun yells down the stairs..."Dont do that shit in the house!!!"....I click the mega phone trigger and say "OK"!!
So football season comes and I decide to bring the megaphone to football games to support the team. My mom is taking myself, Joe and Shaun to the game in our old 1971 Ford Black Duster. As we are coming up to the corner near Chino High...there is an apartment complex where a lot of Illegal aliens lived. So my stupid ass clicks the megaphone and with the volume way up...I say..."LA IMIGRA"!! "LA IMIGRACION"!!!....From out of nowhere my Mom backhands me and the megaphone falls out of my hand. She just says..."What the hell do you think are doing?"...I can hear Shaun and Joe trying so hard not to laugh. She drops us off at the game and after she leaves Shaun and Joe just about laughed there asses off laughing at me.
I get home with it and the first thing I do is go around the corner to my friend Shaun's house. I get to where his window is and I clock the trigger and say..."YOU IN THE HOUSE COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP?"...Shaun's head darts up into his bedroom window and I speak into the megaphone..."HEY LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR MY BIRTHDAY"!!!...Shaun just shakes his head and Im sure is thinking Oh no. So he says come on up...I go into the house and his brother Jaime is sitting in the living room calmly watching TV as I come up behind him and talk into the megaphone..."WHATS UP JAIME??"....I swear he just about pissed his pants. Shaun yells down the stairs..."Dont do that shit in the house!!!"....I click the mega phone trigger and say "OK"!!
So football season comes and I decide to bring the megaphone to football games to support the team. My mom is taking myself, Joe and Shaun to the game in our old 1971 Ford Black Duster. As we are coming up to the corner near Chino High...there is an apartment complex where a lot of Illegal aliens lived. So my stupid ass clicks the megaphone and with the volume way up...I say..."LA IMIGRA"!! "LA IMIGRACION"!!!....From out of nowhere my Mom backhands me and the megaphone falls out of my hand. She just says..."What the hell do you think are doing?"...I can hear Shaun and Joe trying so hard not to laugh. She drops us off at the game and after she leaves Shaun and Joe just about laughed there asses off laughing at me.
So I Live in the Past Part 7
New Years in Pasadena
It's New Years Eve 1992, Joe, myself, our friends Peter, Danny, Jerry, Jerry's psycho ex girlfriend Melanie, Saul and Ricky were all trying to figure out what to do on New Years Eve...we hadnt made any solid plans so we were just looking for something to do. We all showed up to Melanie's family's house in Brea or Placentia I cant remember which because Jerry had invited us...I think Jerry was bored and wanted some friends to show up so we obliged...after about 20 minutes we came to the conclusion that this party sucks ass...so we needed to make some different plans and pronto. Peter suggests Colorado Blvd in Pasadena...he says many people go out there on New Years Eve...so well all agree. Two of Melanie's friends ask to come along because they are bored as well...Jerry wants to go with us but Melanie all but forbids him...so he is forced to stay behind. So the rest of us all jump into 3 different vehicles and hightail it out of the OC and head towards Pasadena.
Now Joe had just bought his first brand new car....it was a white 1992 Ford Escort...he was so proud of it...always keeping it clean and as shiny as he could keep it. So here we are keeping up with one another on the freeway when Joe taps me on the shoulder and points to the odometer...my eyes widen as I see the ticker pointing a shaed over 100...We just look at each other increduously...Melanie's friends are in our back seat drinking tequila and oblivious to our high speed...I just look at Joe and say warp speed Mr. Sulu.
So in less than 40 minutes we flew from Northern OC to Pasadena and as we finally make it to Colorado Blvd...it is packed with cruisers on the road and people camped out for the next day's Rose Parade...it is one big party basically. There are our 3 vehicles crusing right along when a convoy of low riders pull alongside and start doing there thing by bouncing and showing off to everybody...Peter is in the car in front of us and I see Saul climb into the backseat and start jumping up and down in the backseat and making Peter's little Toyota Tercel bounce....hey they were getting some height on the jumps too. One of the low riders werent impressed and started talking shit to Peter...not knowing that Peter had his car and 2 other cars full of people as back up...The Impala opens up and 3 people get out...right then and there all of our cars opened up and a total of 9 people got out and we all basically asked if ther was a problem? The assholes looked around and got back in their car and we all continued about our evening.
As we are crusing along the 2 girls in our backseat are getting really buzzed and flirty and Joe and I are thinking we may get lucky tonight...."OH HELL YEAH"!! But then one of them says that she has to use the restroom...but there is so much traffic and all the side streets are blocked...so we are unable to turn off for them to use the restroom....but the traffic is so much at a standstill we tell them to get out and use the gast station's restroom that was next to us. Not 2 minutes after we let them out...traffic starts to move a little more steadily. All the side streets are blocked and we are getting farther and farther from where we let the 2 drunk girls off.
About 4 blocks up the clock hit midnight Joe and I exchange New Years greetings...but we mad the girls werent in the car and Joe and I are wondering how are we going to go back and get the 2 girls when something goes flying through the window and zips past Joe and myself...I look at Joe and ask..."Was that a tortilla?".....Joe looks at me and says.."I think so"...Why would a tortilla go flying through the window I thought...without warning...Joe's car along with everyother car on the street gets lit up with super soakers, whip cream, silly string, tortillas and shaving cream. "Roll up the fucken window" Joe blurts out.....Joe is pissed....his brand new car got fucked up by all the shit that was being tossed and shot. All he can do is turn on his wipers and so we can see.
A few more blocks up Joe is finally able to turn into a neighborhood and pullover so we can survey the damage on his car and go back and get the girls who had to have been at least 8 blocks away. Joe gets a rag out and wipes in vain what he can off of his car...he had this look on his face like what the fuck just happened?
We decide to split up on either side of the street and go find the 2 girls we left behind. Now mind you this is before cell phones...so we had no way of calling them. We walk for sometime before I get to the corner before the gas station and spot the 2 lovely ladies..I cross and tap them on the shoulder...they both had tears in their eyes and actually thought we left them...they both gave me a big hug and a kiss...we got Joe and walked back to the car. One of the girls asks...what happened to the car? Joe just shakes his head and says...dont ask. We all get in the car and head to the freeway and head for home to end the night.
The next day Joe calls and tells me it took him 4 hours to wash all that shit off of his car.
It's New Years Eve 1992, Joe, myself, our friends Peter, Danny, Jerry, Jerry's psycho ex girlfriend Melanie, Saul and Ricky were all trying to figure out what to do on New Years Eve...we hadnt made any solid plans so we were just looking for something to do. We all showed up to Melanie's family's house in Brea or Placentia I cant remember which because Jerry had invited us...I think Jerry was bored and wanted some friends to show up so we obliged...after about 20 minutes we came to the conclusion that this party sucks ass...so we needed to make some different plans and pronto. Peter suggests Colorado Blvd in Pasadena...he says many people go out there on New Years Eve...so well all agree. Two of Melanie's friends ask to come along because they are bored as well...Jerry wants to go with us but Melanie all but forbids him...so he is forced to stay behind. So the rest of us all jump into 3 different vehicles and hightail it out of the OC and head towards Pasadena.
Now Joe had just bought his first brand new car....it was a white 1992 Ford Escort...he was so proud of it...always keeping it clean and as shiny as he could keep it. So here we are keeping up with one another on the freeway when Joe taps me on the shoulder and points to the odometer...my eyes widen as I see the ticker pointing a shaed over 100...We just look at each other increduously...Melanie's friends are in our back seat drinking tequila and oblivious to our high speed...I just look at Joe and say warp speed Mr. Sulu.
So in less than 40 minutes we flew from Northern OC to Pasadena and as we finally make it to Colorado Blvd...it is packed with cruisers on the road and people camped out for the next day's Rose Parade...it is one big party basically. There are our 3 vehicles crusing right along when a convoy of low riders pull alongside and start doing there thing by bouncing and showing off to everybody...Peter is in the car in front of us and I see Saul climb into the backseat and start jumping up and down in the backseat and making Peter's little Toyota Tercel bounce....hey they were getting some height on the jumps too. One of the low riders werent impressed and started talking shit to Peter...not knowing that Peter had his car and 2 other cars full of people as back up...The Impala opens up and 3 people get out...right then and there all of our cars opened up and a total of 9 people got out and we all basically asked if ther was a problem? The assholes looked around and got back in their car and we all continued about our evening.
As we are crusing along the 2 girls in our backseat are getting really buzzed and flirty and Joe and I are thinking we may get lucky tonight...."OH HELL YEAH"!! But then one of them says that she has to use the restroom...but there is so much traffic and all the side streets are blocked...so we are unable to turn off for them to use the restroom....but the traffic is so much at a standstill we tell them to get out and use the gast station's restroom that was next to us. Not 2 minutes after we let them out...traffic starts to move a little more steadily. All the side streets are blocked and we are getting farther and farther from where we let the 2 drunk girls off.
About 4 blocks up the clock hit midnight Joe and I exchange New Years greetings...but we mad the girls werent in the car and Joe and I are wondering how are we going to go back and get the 2 girls when something goes flying through the window and zips past Joe and myself...I look at Joe and ask..."Was that a tortilla?".....Joe looks at me and says.."I think so"...Why would a tortilla go flying through the window I thought...without warning...Joe's car along with everyother car on the street gets lit up with super soakers, whip cream, silly string, tortillas and shaving cream. "Roll up the fucken window" Joe blurts out.....Joe is pissed....his brand new car got fucked up by all the shit that was being tossed and shot. All he can do is turn on his wipers and so we can see.
A few more blocks up Joe is finally able to turn into a neighborhood and pullover so we can survey the damage on his car and go back and get the girls who had to have been at least 8 blocks away. Joe gets a rag out and wipes in vain what he can off of his car...he had this look on his face like what the fuck just happened?
We decide to split up on either side of the street and go find the 2 girls we left behind. Now mind you this is before cell phones...so we had no way of calling them. We walk for sometime before I get to the corner before the gas station and spot the 2 lovely ladies..I cross and tap them on the shoulder...they both had tears in their eyes and actually thought we left them...they both gave me a big hug and a kiss...we got Joe and walked back to the car. One of the girls asks...what happened to the car? Joe just shakes his head and says...dont ask. We all get in the car and head to the freeway and head for home to end the night.
The next day Joe calls and tells me it took him 4 hours to wash all that shit off of his car.
I Know A Porn Star
I Know A Porn Star!!
So one morning in 1997 Im listening to Howard Stern and he's talking to some porn stars (whatelse is new right?) One of them introduces herself as Alisha Klass...so far the name has no meaning to me...but then she discusses being arrested at a porn convention for indecency (How the fuck does that happen?) Howard reads the report and divulges her real name....Alicia Pieri...I just about spit out whatever I was drinking and scrambled to pick up a phone. I called my friend Tim who is flabergasted he had no idea. At the time I was living with my friend Shaun and his wife at the time Rene...so I called Shaun and told him and he just about doubled over. So Tim comes and gets me later that night and we are now on a mission...to find an Alisha Klass movie!!
First stop the always classy Toy Box in Upland....we walk in and start looking around...we had no idea where to look or anything so we asked the lady behind the counter if she had any Alisha Klass movies and she said that they do not carry any Seymour Butts related stuff. I looked at her with a blank look..."Who the hell is Seymour Butts"?...she said like I shouldve known..."thats Alisha's husband/producer"....Oh of course I shouldve fucken known....she gives us a few titles of Alisha Klass movies...such classics such as "Behind The Sphinc Door", "Tushy Heaven", and "Tampa Tushy Fest"...(Seeing a pattern in the titles?)...Tim and I wont be deterred...we will find an Alisha Klass movie damnit!!!
So with our new found knowledge we continue to the always elegant Deja Vu in Ontario and I go right to the clerk and ask if they had "Behind the Sphinc Door"...the clerks asks how to spell Sphinc...and Tim laughs as I spell it with exasperation....S....P.....H...I.....N...C...the clerk says nope...and that they had no Alisha Klass videos....."DAMNIT!! I thought...what kind of porno store is this???"
Tim and I decide to change our porno finding strategy and try a store we wouldn't think would have it....Super Duper Video...of course to access the porno section here...you have to open this loud ass door that just says "Perverts entering...everybody look"!!! We go back there and low and behold what do we find?? ...The Alisha Klass Klassic.,..."Tushy Heaven"....Tim and I high fived each other and without thinking take the box to the clerk....the clerk looks at us and says the video is in a black box in the back...Tim all but runds back and gets the actual video case....we leave the store triumphant with video in hand and rush back to my apartment where Shaun is chilling on the couch watching TV....I tell Shaun...we foud an Alisha Klass porno!! Shaun flies off of the couch and puts the video in his VCR and we all sit down to watch it...right then Joe shows up to see whats up..and we tell him to sit down and enjoy the show...
The video opens with Alisha opening a door and saying..."Ive been s horny waiting all day for you"....I wish a camera couldve snapped apicture of the expressions on all of our faces as we watched this girl we all knew from high school invite us into her bedroom....Joe hanst figured out who she is yet...so I run and retrieve my yearbook and show him...his eyes light up...THATS ALICIA PIERI?? Gawd Damn.
So here's the scene....four guys watching a porno with our mouths wide open and the door opens and theres Shaun's wife at the time Renee...."What the hell are you guys watching"? Shaun grabs my yearbook and explains it to her....she just shakes her head and goes into hers and Shauns room.
Thats All Folks!!
So one morning in 1997 Im listening to Howard Stern and he's talking to some porn stars (whatelse is new right?) One of them introduces herself as Alisha Klass...so far the name has no meaning to me...but then she discusses being arrested at a porn convention for indecency (How the fuck does that happen?) Howard reads the report and divulges her real name....Alicia Pieri...I just about spit out whatever I was drinking and scrambled to pick up a phone. I called my friend Tim who is flabergasted he had no idea. At the time I was living with my friend Shaun and his wife at the time Rene...so I called Shaun and told him and he just about doubled over. So Tim comes and gets me later that night and we are now on a mission...to find an Alisha Klass movie!!
First stop the always classy Toy Box in Upland....we walk in and start looking around...we had no idea where to look or anything so we asked the lady behind the counter if she had any Alisha Klass movies and she said that they do not carry any Seymour Butts related stuff. I looked at her with a blank look..."Who the hell is Seymour Butts"?...she said like I shouldve known..."thats Alisha's husband/producer"....Oh of course I shouldve fucken known....she gives us a few titles of Alisha Klass movies...such classics such as "Behind The Sphinc Door", "Tushy Heaven", and "Tampa Tushy Fest"...(Seeing a pattern in the titles?)...Tim and I wont be deterred...we will find an Alisha Klass movie damnit!!!
So with our new found knowledge we continue to the always elegant Deja Vu in Ontario and I go right to the clerk and ask if they had "Behind the Sphinc Door"...the clerks asks how to spell Sphinc...and Tim laughs as I spell it with exasperation....S....P.....H...I.....N...C...the clerk says nope...and that they had no Alisha Klass videos....."DAMNIT!! I thought...what kind of porno store is this???"
Tim and I decide to change our porno finding strategy and try a store we wouldn't think would have it....Super Duper Video...of course to access the porno section here...you have to open this loud ass door that just says "Perverts entering...everybody look"!!! We go back there and low and behold what do we find?? ...The Alisha Klass Klassic.,..."Tushy Heaven"....Tim and I high fived each other and without thinking take the box to the clerk....the clerk looks at us and says the video is in a black box in the back...Tim all but runds back and gets the actual video case....we leave the store triumphant with video in hand and rush back to my apartment where Shaun is chilling on the couch watching TV....I tell Shaun...we foud an Alisha Klass porno!! Shaun flies off of the couch and puts the video in his VCR and we all sit down to watch it...right then Joe shows up to see whats up..and we tell him to sit down and enjoy the show...
The video opens with Alisha opening a door and saying..."Ive been s horny waiting all day for you"....I wish a camera couldve snapped apicture of the expressions on all of our faces as we watched this girl we all knew from high school invite us into her bedroom....Joe hanst figured out who she is yet...so I run and retrieve my yearbook and show him...his eyes light up...THATS ALICIA PIERI?? Gawd Damn.
So here's the scene....four guys watching a porno with our mouths wide open and the door opens and theres Shaun's wife at the time Renee...."What the hell are you guys watching"? Shaun grabs my yearbook and explains it to her....she just shakes her head and goes into hers and Shauns room.
Thats All Folks!!
Ron and Tim vs The McGwire Brothers
Ron and Tim versus The McGwire Brothers
It's the summer of 1989...I just graduated..I have my first job...all is well for me. Now there were a group of us who took a class called Group Dynamics together. It's a class where you really get to know other people and we became a very tight knit group of friends. Tim, Kim, Charlene, John, Kristy, Peter, Jeff, Tina and some others we became really good friends...always there for each other.
Well Kim's family was throwing a birthday party for Kim and they invited all of us. So being the good friends we are...we all showed up and were having a good time. Dancing, drinking sodas....the normal things you do at a birthday party. Off to the side there was another group of people that Kim didnt really know too well...they were friends of Kim's parents and they had some people with them as well...but they were drinking some beer and getting kind of buzzed.
After a while they saw us having a good time and decided to come to where we were...and without warning grabbed Kim and threw her in the pool..she was surprised but took it well. Now myself and the others we werent really dressed to go swimming...I had on a nice new shirt I bought from Mervyns...so I had no intentions of getting wet. Now these idiots threw another friend in...and Im thinking what the hell?? All of a sudden somebody grabbed me from behind...and let me tell you...I do not like being touched or grabbed by a guy whatsoever...so instinctively I went into fight mode and elbowed this guy in the stomach. He doubled oveand I picked up a beach chair and hit with it...and then his two friends started approaching me...they were kind of big mind you..at least 6 feet each. I looked behind me and grabbed a baseball bat and dared for them to get closer...my buddy Tim pushed the other guy away who had gotten back up and was coming after me again...I look up and our other friend Peter comes outside with another bat..and all of a sudden we have an old fashioned stand off...the 3 of us and these 3 drunk dumb asses. Finally Kim's parents and these guys parents come over...and we were the ones asked to leave...so we left, but all of our friends came with us and we went down the street to Charlene's house and were hanging out in Tim's truck...
Kim comes down a little later and informs us on who the guys were....Mark McGwire's (The retired baseball player) 2 younger brothers and a friend of theirs. Ha ha...some family!!
Kim was embarassed that her parents kicked us out and not them...so she left her own party.
For years after that we would always see Mark McGwire on TV and just think what dumb asses he has for brothers.
It's the summer of 1989...I just graduated..I have my first job...all is well for me. Now there were a group of us who took a class called Group Dynamics together. It's a class where you really get to know other people and we became a very tight knit group of friends. Tim, Kim, Charlene, John, Kristy, Peter, Jeff, Tina and some others we became really good friends...always there for each other.
Well Kim's family was throwing a birthday party for Kim and they invited all of us. So being the good friends we are...we all showed up and were having a good time. Dancing, drinking sodas....the normal things you do at a birthday party. Off to the side there was another group of people that Kim didnt really know too well...they were friends of Kim's parents and they had some people with them as well...but they were drinking some beer and getting kind of buzzed.
After a while they saw us having a good time and decided to come to where we were...and without warning grabbed Kim and threw her in the pool..she was surprised but took it well. Now myself and the others we werent really dressed to go swimming...I had on a nice new shirt I bought from Mervyns...so I had no intentions of getting wet. Now these idiots threw another friend in...and Im thinking what the hell?? All of a sudden somebody grabbed me from behind...and let me tell you...I do not like being touched or grabbed by a guy whatsoever...so instinctively I went into fight mode and elbowed this guy in the stomach. He doubled oveand I picked up a beach chair and hit with it...and then his two friends started approaching me...they were kind of big mind you..at least 6 feet each. I looked behind me and grabbed a baseball bat and dared for them to get closer...my buddy Tim pushed the other guy away who had gotten back up and was coming after me again...I look up and our other friend Peter comes outside with another bat..and all of a sudden we have an old fashioned stand off...the 3 of us and these 3 drunk dumb asses. Finally Kim's parents and these guys parents come over...and we were the ones asked to leave...so we left, but all of our friends came with us and we went down the street to Charlene's house and were hanging out in Tim's truck...
Kim comes down a little later and informs us on who the guys were....Mark McGwire's (The retired baseball player) 2 younger brothers and a friend of theirs. Ha ha...some family!!
Kim was embarassed that her parents kicked us out and not them...so she left her own party.
For years after that we would always see Mark McGwire on TV and just think what dumb asses he has for brothers.
So I Live in the Past Part 4
Sorry Shaun....I have to tell this classic story...
(Disclaimer: I am not a homophobe now...but back then I may have been...so continue reading)
My Buddy Gets Hired to Dance at a Birthday Party
Roughly a week after meeting my friend's fiancee...my buddy Shaun came up for leave from Camp Pendleton. I hadn't seen him since I left for Basic Training....we caught up and then went to our friend Dan's house. Now Dan's neighbor had heard that Shaun can dance just like Michale Jackson and wanted to hire him to dance at her brother's birthday party. Myself, Dan and Shaun thought that's cool...she wants Shaun to dance for her brother and she is going to pay....we are all thinking its a kid....
The night of the party arrives and we get to the house in the directions as we walk into the backyard Shaun isnt to aware of the surroundings as he is getting into his "mindset" as he used to put it. But myself, Daniel and his friend Mike are getting weird vibes from the people that are at the party...first of all ther are no "kids"...it's all adults....MALE adults. I look at Daniel and ask him what kind of party is this? Daniel's friend non chalantly says I dont like the looks of this...Shaun is oblivious to all of it as he is just going over his routine in his head...but the music is blaring and it just so happens...Village People's YMCA comes on and all the guys who wernt dancing...decided to um...dance...with each other....Daniel says.."ITS A GAY PARTY"!!!!...all of a sudden Shaun looks up and I hear him say..."Holy shit!!"...Im holding a beer in my hand and proceed to spit out the contents of my mouth....and I say..."What the fuck is going on Shaun??"...I go away to Basic Training...come back and you are dancing at Gay parties?? Shaun just says..."I had no fucken idea"!!! The girl who hired Shaun comes out and greets us..and I ask her how much is Shaun getting paid...she says $40...Shaun just says..."Can we talk?"...we all go inside and sit around a table...and the girl is saying Im sorry Shaun...I assumed you knew my brother was gay...Shaun has this look on his face like what the fuck??...Daniel, Mike and myself are just taking survey of the situation...I get up to use the restroom...before I leave I just tell Shaun...um renegotiate.
I get back to the table and Shaun is now getting paid a bit more than before so he agrees to it. We all go back outside an Dan, myself and Mike are huddled against a wall with our asses aganst the wall drinking beer. Shaun comes outside in costume and being the consumate professional that he always was...he was ready to go. Luckily for Shaun there was one really gorgeous woman at the party willing to dance with him for "The Wake me Feel" dance he did. Of course halfway through Billie Jean when Shaun grabbed himself....one gay guy clapped very flamboyantly and said "Fabulous"!!! Shaun I think shut out what was happening and just did his thing....I know I couldnt have done it my friend!!
After he is finished we tell Shaun...get the money and lets go dude!! One guy grabs my friend Mike by the arm and tells him...your friend was fabulous!! Shaun gets the money we say our good byes and go...
(Disclaimer: I am not a homophobe now...but back then I may have been...so continue reading)
My Buddy Gets Hired to Dance at a Birthday Party
Roughly a week after meeting my friend's fiancee...my buddy Shaun came up for leave from Camp Pendleton. I hadn't seen him since I left for Basic Training....we caught up and then went to our friend Dan's house. Now Dan's neighbor had heard that Shaun can dance just like Michale Jackson and wanted to hire him to dance at her brother's birthday party. Myself, Dan and Shaun thought that's cool...she wants Shaun to dance for her brother and she is going to pay....we are all thinking its a kid....
The night of the party arrives and we get to the house in the directions as we walk into the backyard Shaun isnt to aware of the surroundings as he is getting into his "mindset" as he used to put it. But myself, Daniel and his friend Mike are getting weird vibes from the people that are at the party...first of all ther are no "kids"...it's all adults....MALE adults. I look at Daniel and ask him what kind of party is this? Daniel's friend non chalantly says I dont like the looks of this...Shaun is oblivious to all of it as he is just going over his routine in his head...but the music is blaring and it just so happens...Village People's YMCA comes on and all the guys who wernt dancing...decided to um...dance...with each other....Daniel says.."ITS A GAY PARTY"!!!!...all of a sudden Shaun looks up and I hear him say..."Holy shit!!"...Im holding a beer in my hand and proceed to spit out the contents of my mouth....and I say..."What the fuck is going on Shaun??"...I go away to Basic Training...come back and you are dancing at Gay parties?? Shaun just says..."I had no fucken idea"!!! The girl who hired Shaun comes out and greets us..and I ask her how much is Shaun getting paid...she says $40...Shaun just says..."Can we talk?"...we all go inside and sit around a table...and the girl is saying Im sorry Shaun...I assumed you knew my brother was gay...Shaun has this look on his face like what the fuck??...Daniel, Mike and myself are just taking survey of the situation...I get up to use the restroom...before I leave I just tell Shaun...um renegotiate.
I get back to the table and Shaun is now getting paid a bit more than before so he agrees to it. We all go back outside an Dan, myself and Mike are huddled against a wall with our asses aganst the wall drinking beer. Shaun comes outside in costume and being the consumate professional that he always was...he was ready to go. Luckily for Shaun there was one really gorgeous woman at the party willing to dance with him for "The Wake me Feel" dance he did. Of course halfway through Billie Jean when Shaun grabbed himself....one gay guy clapped very flamboyantly and said "Fabulous"!!! Shaun I think shut out what was happening and just did his thing....I know I couldnt have done it my friend!!
After he is finished we tell Shaun...get the money and lets go dude!! One guy grabs my friend Mike by the arm and tells him...your friend was fabulous!! Shaun gets the money we say our good byes and go...
So I Live in the Past Part 3
Moving to Chino....
It's Summer 1985 I just finished my Freshman Year at Cerritos and my folks have decided to move to someplace called Chino. I had no idea where Chino was...my folks drive myself and my step brother out there to see the new house and as we get closer I notice there are a lot of cows. We get out of the car to see our yet to be completed home and then the smell hits me....now mind you Im sensitive to smells anyways....the smell of feces tends to make me gag. So this smell of a calf farm that was down the road, a horse farm and the dairies that were mear blocks from my home was overwhelming to my city nose. I grew up in Redondo Beach and Cerritos/Artesia so I was so not used to this horrible scent that was permeating my nostrils.
Before moving to Chino my family and I were staying with friends in Downey...my mom, dad, myself and step brother along with my lab Tai...were all staying it what was a large living room until our house could be completed. All I remember was walking to Golf 'n' Stuff every other day and playing some video games to pass the time since I didnt know anybody in the area...all my friends were in Cerritos/Artesia.
After about a month of this one room living our house was finished and we moved to the country living of Chino. When we moved there the popultation was about 50,000...there were 2 high schools, no movie theaters, and lots and lots of cows. My mom enrolled me in summer school as I had to make up some credits I lost because I left Cerritos High too early....my first day at Chino was in the summer and I was already feeling out of place...here is a kid dressed in OPs, Vans and other beachwear mingling with these cocky rich dairy kids...and trying to adjust to the cow shit smell. Anyways where am I going with this long story??
Within our first month of living in Chino...it was about 830 at night when we heard a siren come from the distance. I went out to see and I could make out the water tower near the prison had a flashing blue light and a siren squealing from it...at the time I had no clue that meant somebody had just escaped from the prison..."HOLY FUCKING SHIT" I thought...not only does it wreak of cow shit but there are prisoners busting out of the fucking prison. The street up from me I saw several police cars screaming towards the prison and the surrounding area. Police Explorers were handing out wanted posters of the escapee...I went in the house and showed my folks. I said mom...Rudy..it smells like shit here and there are prisoners running loose. My parents reassured me and I went about my business.
Turns out they caught the guy the next day...I forget where...but that were my first impressions of Chino...cow shit and prison breaks!!!
It's Summer 1985 I just finished my Freshman Year at Cerritos and my folks have decided to move to someplace called Chino. I had no idea where Chino was...my folks drive myself and my step brother out there to see the new house and as we get closer I notice there are a lot of cows. We get out of the car to see our yet to be completed home and then the smell hits me....now mind you Im sensitive to smells anyways....the smell of feces tends to make me gag. So this smell of a calf farm that was down the road, a horse farm and the dairies that were mear blocks from my home was overwhelming to my city nose. I grew up in Redondo Beach and Cerritos/Artesia so I was so not used to this horrible scent that was permeating my nostrils.
Before moving to Chino my family and I were staying with friends in Downey...my mom, dad, myself and step brother along with my lab Tai...were all staying it what was a large living room until our house could be completed. All I remember was walking to Golf 'n' Stuff every other day and playing some video games to pass the time since I didnt know anybody in the area...all my friends were in Cerritos/Artesia.
After about a month of this one room living our house was finished and we moved to the country living of Chino. When we moved there the popultation was about 50,000...there were 2 high schools, no movie theaters, and lots and lots of cows. My mom enrolled me in summer school as I had to make up some credits I lost because I left Cerritos High too early....my first day at Chino was in the summer and I was already feeling out of place...here is a kid dressed in OPs, Vans and other beachwear mingling with these cocky rich dairy kids...and trying to adjust to the cow shit smell. Anyways where am I going with this long story??
Within our first month of living in Chino...it was about 830 at night when we heard a siren come from the distance. I went out to see and I could make out the water tower near the prison had a flashing blue light and a siren squealing from it...at the time I had no clue that meant somebody had just escaped from the prison..."HOLY FUCKING SHIT" I thought...not only does it wreak of cow shit but there are prisoners busting out of the fucking prison. The street up from me I saw several police cars screaming towards the prison and the surrounding area. Police Explorers were handing out wanted posters of the escapee...I went in the house and showed my folks. I said mom...Rudy..it smells like shit here and there are prisoners running loose. My parents reassured me and I went about my business.
Turns out they caught the guy the next day...I forget where...but that were my first impressions of Chino...cow shit and prison breaks!!!
WWE Fan Axxess 5/23/2008
Well I went down to the WWE's annual Fan Axxess down at Universal City Walk and it was fun. Nobody was available to go with me so I had to go solo...but those that know me know thats no big deal for me. WWE Fan axxess is a traveling fan interaction event the WWE puts on to hype Wrestlemania every year. This year they had a stage set up, a game show, an entrance ramp where you can have an entrance set to WWE theme music, tattoos, WWE video games etc. Of course I had to do the entrance and did mine to Batista's theme music...then I played the game show which is a 3 person trivia contests and the first to 3 wins a prize...of course I won again. Then I got to go on stage with Hillbilly Jim and the host...Hillbilly Jim totally recognized me from all the other events I have been to....and I won a T-shirt and a dvd for answering some more trivia...I had a lot of fun at this...I got out of there before the rain started coming down to heavily.
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